so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
