You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
