i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
