I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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