kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
