I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
