genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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