mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How does one acquire holy water?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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