Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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