I love black thongs
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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