what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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