When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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