Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
