Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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