Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
