Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
