i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My life is pants optional.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
