Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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