Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
