Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
