My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
