The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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