Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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