I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
