I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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