I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
That accounts for only three of the penises
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
