1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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