I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
