Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
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