I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to sanitize my soul.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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