Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
