Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
