My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
