I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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