peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
