Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
