I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
