We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize