I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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