I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
