first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
