a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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