Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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