this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
