if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
