I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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