ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
