I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i love accidental penises.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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