remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
