Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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