ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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