I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
