thus making me awesome and them whores
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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