I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
