JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You made out with two different species that night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
