why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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