So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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