I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
