You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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