i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
