Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
