I just made out with a guy for $7.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
