I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
