flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
