Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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