So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
