Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
